feeling

i have this really funny feeling inside of me right now. it’s a mixture of extreme sadness and happiness. i feel like going to sleep already so i can wake up tomorrow and be normal again but i’ve decided to bask in this weird feeling a bit longer… playing with my rabbit helped a lot watching him explore around my room and hearing him make oinking noises…

i think i just feel odd because i’m at a point in my life where things are great but steady and i feel like some huge change is on its way… i know it’s going to be something great but i can’t help but feel peculiar because i’m not exactly sure what form it’s going to take.

anyway i am happy with the present and will move along my way now…

Long time no see

Since my last personal post here on tumblr, my life has changed sooo much. Crazy how much half a year can do for you. I feel like myself again.

Briefly reading through my last posts on here, I realize what a fucking mess I was! It’s scary to realize what a dark place I was in before but at the same time it’s inspiring to know that I’ve overcome it.

I’ve officially and successfully removed a person from life who used to BE my life for 5 whole years. I was at my breaking point and I was really suffering physically and emotionally. I finally got a grip on myself and said, “No more!” I finally realized I was worth more than how this person treated me. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made so far.

My life has completely transformed for the better. I no longer work 7 days a week. I have a REAL career now that I love and get paid way more for doing it. I have weekends to myself and never work ridiculous amounts of hours a day. I have vacation time and benefits! I’m going back to school for my Masters in the Summer and am currently taking classes to get my Special Education permit. I’ve lost so many pounds and exercise regularly. I eat healthier. I hardly ever feel depressed anymore or have anxiety/panic attacks. I have more time towards my interests like art, reading, yoga, gardening, etc. that I never ever had time for before. My relationships with my family and friends have become stronger now that I have more time and energy to spend with them.

I still think about the past from time to time. I can’t completely erase it from my mind but knowing all of the things I’ve accomplished since then help me move past all of those negative thoughts. When this person betrayed me and my life fell apart even more than it already had, I thought I was being punished by the Universe. I realize now though, that the Universe blessed me with the opportunity to break free from what was destroying my life.

It feels so good to be back! (literally and figuratively) I hope everyone is doing wonderful and can’t wait to start tumbling again and to read/see all of your posts! <3

life atm

depressed. although i think my mind may be handling it much better than my body is. even though my mind tends to replay certain events over and over again, there’s less self-shaming and self-blaming along with it now.

my body on the other hand, isn’t doing so well. insomnia, stomach pains, chest pains, weight loss the whole enchilada! i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad in my entire life for such a period of time and it’s still going on.

i’m doing my best to cope with it and am doing lots of reading lately. i want this “healing process” to be over already so i can be back to my normal self. everything feels so out of place but i am glad i am still functioning quite normally despite my discomfort (for lack of a better word actually worse word).

sometimes people you thought you knew really well aren’t exactly what you perceived them to be. reality is settling into me and it feels so shocking.

despite feeling like this, i tell myself over and over that everything will be okay one day because i know it will be. my strong hopefulness got me into this mess and now i’m glad it can at least get me out of it. i hope you guys are doing more wonderful than i am atm. <3<3<3

Death gives birth to life

I think I’ve always kind of known this but just didn’t want to think it was so as if it would make certain events less tragic than i deemed them to be.

Lots of things happen in life that you will all as you might not to happen but they do anyway. It feels like the end of your world and your life but really deep down inside I know that all it is is making room for newer things in life that you have yet to experience.

It can be really sad. Depressing even but will all as you might you just have to accept it for what it is and realize that life goes on.

The possibilities really are limitless and who knows what may be waiting around the bend for you?

I guess I finally understand what people mean when they say “enjoy the ride.” You never know what may present itself to you and it may even seem as if you have no control over it but you do. You can choose your mindset. Either use it to your advantage to learn and grow or turn it against yourself and make yourself miserable. 

There are plenty of times I do feel a bit sad and find myself caught in thoughts of the past, but I realize so much more is ahead of me and even better life is at my fingertips every moment of everyday.

Life feels so much better

when you just listen to your heart. It sounds so corny and cliche but it’s so true. I’m not talking about your gut or instinct feeling either and just to decide things on a whim. I mean really sitting down with yourself and really thinking what it is you’d want from life. It can be hard to actually know, but I’ve found that if you just start with simple and small things that are easily attainable it gets easier from there.

Also, since sitting down with myself and really thinking about my life, I’ve realized everything has gotten so much better. I mean I still really have complete shit days. In fact I had one this weekend on the day I really dreaded it happening but count on me to fuck it all up! Panic attacks and all. Anyway, the point is, I’ve found that the things I were doing in my life before sitting down with myself were in fact counterproductive for where I actually wanted to end up.

I literally listed every aspect of my life and how they were currently doing. The list looked something like this:

Money: shit.

Relationships: shit.

Health: shit.

Career: kinda shit.

etc. etc.

Also, a lot of the things I were doing might have ended up where I wanted to be later but I was so unhappy and miserable at the moment that my life was turning into a giant turd. I realized, once writing out all of my aspects in life, that each category was easily fixable. Some of the things I realized were quick fixes while others were HUGE for example: moving out of my current apartment which I absolutely did not want to do but I realized it was making me miserable and I needed to change it no matter how much I wanted to stay.

Actually, I realized a lot of the “fixes” I came up with were not exactly what I wanted to do at the moment but I knew they would serve me the best in the now and in the long run thus making me feel better. I don’t know if this was exactly helpful or not but I just felt like blogging about my current situation and I am glad to report that while some things are still shitty, most things are looking up! I love you tumblr!

Guys

De ja vu just payed me a visit. It was awesome as always.

when someone

opens up to you about their problems. how the fuck do you decide that telling them to give up is an okay thing to do? i don’t care if you say well they’re suffering and it hurts me to see them that way. i mean WTF? really? telling them to GIVE UP on something they have been working so hard towards and suffering for because they believe it’s worth it and they want it that bad. then when they reach a rough patch and turn to you you tell them to give up?! i mean wtf might as well tell them they can’t do it they won’t amount to nothing and all the work they put in was for nothing! i swear stupid idiots

I just

Want to get off work, go home and give my sister her birthday present already! Present giving is so much fun :)

i have lots

to do/work on but all i want to do is wake up tomorrow morning and go biking! which is exactly what i plan to do :)

20 mins

And I’m out of here! Love it when worktime goes by fast :) thanks for a friend coming by to chat with me awhile. It’s so nice to catch up with someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Interesting people at that! I was definitely entertained by her past happenings of winning a pageant and ending up working full time as a secretary for two paralegals with no experience whatsoever. This is why I love people and listening to their experiences. Simply having wonderful company can make one happy

I’m currently

At work and my boss told me she updated the ipod with more songs. She left shortly after I got here. I listen to the music and realize she’s deleted all the newer songs replaced with a crappy playlist she would always play last year. Omg. I’ve been working in silence. I really need to update my ipod and start bringing it to work cause I work every day this week except Thursday…

i will

have a wonderful day tomorrow. goodnight tumbly hope you are all having a lovely weekend <3

Looks like

A mutual break up with my now ex bf of almost 5 years has really happened today. My heart hurts a lot but I’m going to try my hardest to move on.